Ask a Hungry Freak!

This is the second installment of Carl Franzoni's advice column, in which the King of the Freaks gives the benefit of his years of wild behavior to a new generation. More info is here.

Dear Hungry Freak,
I need advice. I am very intellectually, emotionally and physically exhausted from the past 35 years of my life. How do you rejuvinate and revitalize yourself in order to stay freshly freaky? If I'm gonna make it through another 35 years on this planet, I must recharge my batteries, but I'm already running on empty! Help!
signed,
Ars Longa Vita Brevis

Ars Longa Vita, Your name means long life. So first it's the dance, and yoga, and looking into someone eyes you like, Go to a Johnny Depp movie and sit next to someone that might feel you up, trade massage, ride a bike for half an hour, make sure it's with a person that has a cute ass. Look at dirty pictures. And masturbate alot. And come on over to my pad and I'll kiss your neck!! I'm running on full and I need HELP!
always,
Hungry Freaks Daddy

Heey Carl;
Any saucey tales from the log cabin and your dealings with Frank Zappa? What was it like hangin' with the Mothers? Thems was pretty heady days and many of those legends have now gone before us... gawwd bless 'em.
in utmost respect,
cozmo

Hi Cozmo,

This friend of my came snooping around the log cabin on acid, and looked in the cellar window of my bedroom and he told me he saw me screwing my girfriend only he thought I was a gorilla. Ravaging a princess. He knocked on the window raging and ran away screaming a gorilla is eating a princess!! And Frank came back from NY and needed a house. So we moved down to Fairfax and Sunset. But I was there the day when Alice Cooper got his contract with Mr. Zappa and so did "Merry go round man'' Wild Man Fisher. I was invited that day because one of my girlfriends was Alice Cooper's manager. But her and I didn't stay together to long because I don't like plastic tits. But she sure was pretty.
thanks for writing,
carl o. franzoni

Carl can't wait to give YOU advice, so be sure to email the editrix with your question for the King of the Freaks!